There are so many things i wanna say, but i have no idea where I want to start. I've really grown up a lot this year. For those who knew what I had to go through, holy shit, I'm glad it's almost all behind me. I was given a chance to get my life back, and I'm glad to say I took that chance. I grabbed it in fact and never let go. I'm forever grateful for the opportunities i've been fortunate enough to have and the people i have around me. There are so many trivial things that cause drama in our lives. They get us all flustered and stressed out, but when it comes down to it, in the grand scope of things these are pitiful things to waste your time on. There are people who deal with real problems out there, not that your problems aren't real, but their problems would look at your problems and judge you for thinking that THOSE are problems. Think of people who have a family to raise and work three jobs. Think of people with kids who have mental or physical disabilities. These people are fuckin heroes. Fuck superman. Not only that, but they still manage to find happiness in their lives despite their trying circumstances. The parents of the autistic kids i teach/take care of are wonderful people. They share stories about their kids that make them proud and laugh. It's incredible.
Anyways, this year I've learned to let go. I've learned to find happiness in my life despite having "problems". I've learned not to make mountains out of mounds. I've learned how to be selfless. I've realized how fortunate I am to have lived the life i lived and been born into the family i've been born into. I've learned that my family is definitely my rock. I'm still a work in progress. I'm not perfect in any of the things i've mentioned, but at the very least I've identified them and am facing the right direction.
So the start of class we usually come in straight into our warm ups and exercises. Not this time. Everyone is seated and the lights are dim. Our teacher is out front standing in solemn silence. As the minute hand passes the 6, she speaks up.
"Who here has problems?"
no one answers,
she changes the way she says it,
"Who here.....HAS...problems?"
she has a greater reaction,
She continues, "How do you get rid of these problems? Do you run away from them? Do you ignore them?"
"Don't feel ashamed. Most people do both. We've all done it....but that's not how you get rid of them.
...If you want to get rid of them you have to stand up to them.... You have to look your problems in the eyes and have no fear in failing."
"You HAVE to take it in and suck it up. Take responsibility."
things are getting serious.
"You see, when we have problems... we tend to put 'em on someone else.We've been through the "Oh it's not my fault"s and the "Oh it'll go away eventually"s, but that only makes things worse..... It usually leads to that problem manifesting itself again in the future."
"The thing is, WE'RE all FUCKED up. We ALL have our issues."
The atmosphere changes. All eyes are on her. The nuances in the way she delivers this speech, the tone, the inflections, the tempo, and the volume---perfect.
"We either think too far ahead and get worried, or look back on the things we've done and wallow in regret."
"We're ALL broken. And the world can't help you put your pieces back together with all the other broken people asking for the same. No one can do that for you."
At this point, I'm analyzing everything she has just said. I'm inspired.
she slows down and the words that come next are assuring,
"The key to life is the same as the key to acting"
"Embrace the moment. Embrace the present."
"When you're in the moment...you're more aware of the thing around you. You're not thinking about tomorrow or yesterday..you're thinking about now and reacting to what's in front of you."
"That's the way life should be. That's the way we've got to be. If we want to be happy."
Everyone had goosebumps and a unanimous feeling of purpose after this speech.
That was the greatest thing I've ever heard from any teacher thus far. THIS is what college is.
I love everything that's been given to me and the people I have around me. The things we've done are all in the past, and the future is in the future. We'll get there when we get there. The thing we should focus on most is what we learned from the past and HOW we get to the future.
*Off topic-ness right here. I've been listening to a lot of blues and older types of music lately. Wow i wish music was still like that. Things I've been listening to:
-Etta James -Muddy Waters -Little Walter -Count Basie -Ella Fitzgerald -Miles Davis -Chuck Berry -Ray Charles -Julie London -Willie Dixon - Stevie Wonder -Jimi Hendrix
Some newer stuff: -Norah Jones -John Mayer -Jack Johnson -Kaleo -James Morrison
yeah, there's more but I can't remember all of them off the top of my head.
My Life has been turned inside out, and upside down over the past couple of weeks. I really can't explain how I've felt and how I feel. I've been through the lowest point in my life and I can't help but look back every once in a while.I just know, whatever reality I face now will be more difficult than i had previously imagined, but the person inside me, the person who I am,---is stronger, more mature, much more gracious, much more faithful, and humbled.
I love God, my family, and my friends. Enough Said.
Here are some quotes I found on the random quotes site. I thought these were pretty meaningful.
"Love the ones you can. Touch the ones you can reach. Let the others go."
"You can call it the 'Perfect Moment' when the universe aligns and the music in your head actually matches the music outside and all is well."
"Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such."
"Art is the desire of a man to express himself, to record the reactions of his personality to the world he lives in."
"I bid him look into the lives of men as though into a mirror, and from others to take an example for himself"
"Sometimes it seems like God is difficult to find and impossibly far away. We get so caught up in our small daily duties and irritations that they become the only things that we can focus on. What we forget is that God's love and beauty are all around us, every day, if only we would take the time to look up and see them."
"May I never miss a sunset or a rainbow because I am looking down." - Sara June Parker
"When you are in any contest you should work as if there were - to the very last minute - a chance to lose it." - Eisenhower
"The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question." - Stephen Jay Gould
"When we seek for connection, we restore the world to wholeness. Our seemingly separate lives become meaningful as we discover how truly necessary we are to each other." - Margaret Wheatley
"Don't reserve your best behavior for special occasions. You can't have two sets of manners, two social codes - one for those you admire and want to impress, another for those whom you consider unimportant. You must be the same to all people," - Lillian E. Watson
"Nobody can give you freedom. Nobody can give you equality or justice or anything. If you're a man, you take it." - Malcolm X
I know who my true friends are. I love you guys. I don't know what I would do without you. I'm really scared, but I'll pull through for you guys cuz i love you all. You guys mean everything to me. My family, right now they don't know, but They mean EVERYTHING to me too. I have a new outlook on life. I have a more definite feeling of who i really am. Sometimes the best way to determine who you really are, is to determine who you AREN'T first.
I'm trying to kep this ambiguous to the people who don't know, but to those who know...This month is gonna be the most difficult month in my life. The Maturation and responsibility that this month will require, is something neccessary and naturally frightening. I can't wait to say that this is over. And I hope my plan goes well...
I know I'm forever changed and a great part of my life ahead of me will be keeping the people i love away from ever getting in this situation....
i love you all, when you're feeling down you can come to me, when i'm down, i KNOW i can go to you.
when you feel like giving up...don't. fight your way up INCH by INCH....in th end...when you add up every inch....it'll all be worth it.
With great responsibility, comes great sacrifice....with every mistake..there's a lesson....
in life ... the margin for error is so small.
So learn from the errors of others before you make your own.
Scared out of my mind, depressed, dissapointed at myself, fucked, sad, angry, worthless, and most of all .................a let down to the ones i love.
